In the end neither of us were happy with anyone else. We fell in love and she broke from those two relationships, but I think I must have harbored resentment from that dificult transition that took a year, because our relationship has been stressed. I was going to end the relationship but he opened up to me and admitted he had a problem. Was he just no longer interested in the marriage? I cant tell without more information. Can counseling help this situation or am I destined for a divorce? Well, you CAN create a new relationship just by going back and starting over. He just says if I block her and she kills herself then I will never forgive myself we talked some more about how she felt because her communication with me is not the best, she likes to keep things inside. Any advice from you? So she went back home I tried to communicate with her and work through problems. So much that your wife has taken full advantage of just how sweet, loving, forgiving and kind you are. Please keep a lookout for my course which is meant to be taken online in the next few months addressing these very subjects. Good Morning Dr. Heb, Be strong and know that relationships are a two way street not one sided. Next click where it says visit my website right under my picture. I said so you guys planned this?. started to disappear cause of the absence of my I decided not to go back to my moms after that (for many reasons, though I will admit he was one of them) and I stayed with family for a few weeks until he convinced me to stay with him and his cousin. Hi, I had to reply to this. and thats what hurts me the most. We never have. My parents kicked him out of the apt when I was institutionalized and I have since got him to move back in. Not just for him, but to everyone around me. Im sorry to read of your heartache. Before we became official we were casually dating for about 4 months. One of the keys to earning trust back is patient giving. That means being patient and not expecting the response you want, but giving, giving, giving. Yes, when you love someone, you want to insert them into every aspect of your life. To the point where hed find me sickening and he would cry. I recently discovered my husband has been talking to another women over the internet, through video chats, and text messaging on his phone. please help me with this asap. Needless to say I am pregnant again, miserable, and up with my SN daughter since 3 bc he feels entitled to smoke pot and play games till early in the morning. I dont know what to think. The last year i found myself crying each time after we had sex (which was rare) and i kept saying things these past few years to hint that babies or marriage is not for me-Just didnt want to rock the boat i guess, i was okay in a way just passing time without dealing. They finished but him & his wife and woman he was seeing and her husband became friends after meeting at works do. Is what Im doing and planning on doing the most optimal way to go or no? me (25) and my girlfriend (22) have been dating for over 5 years. Her father found out what I had done and told me He would not tell her but I needed too so I agreed that I would. I felt shocked that she could treat me this way, but I also felt so much guilt for arguing in the first place. We sought counseling a few years ago and it helped to identify some of our issues but didnt really draw us closer together. Do you see that? If so, please respond. Eventually my husband walked into the office & put his hands on the back of the chair; leaned towards me & growled in a cold, hard voice that He had hated me his whole $*#@%@! I am in therapy and have been told that my anxiety is because I am face to face again with the person that caused me trauma. all this is scaring me and am thinking abt it 24*7 . I wanted our family to work too. Any advice on how to move things forward or to get her to open up would be really appreciated! Man that sounds identical to my story for the most part. This is the EXACT reason for cheating. I have never wanted to fight for something more in my life as our relationship was close to perfect. I need help ;( seriously. I can tell she cares because she brings up the past, she says she loves me but doesnt wanna be with me. Well time wanton and his ex became a thorn in my side along with his crazy mom. Hate wins when you choose not to make things. Does this make sense? If it's convinced you that you never want to cheat again, then congratulations! For a few days he texted or called saying he wanted to chill. Then Tuesday morning she told me she sent him a message on facebook, to make sure he got the message, and that she needed to know there was closure between them, and that they were done. but the truth is i was in contact with him . I am unable to convince him otherwise. I do recommend counseling as long as it is with a trained and skilled marriage counselor who understands what Ive just said. Or should I even try? I will admit she is much more Cultured and obtains a greater intelligence than I posess. First boyfriend, literally everything. Telling him that you did nothing wrong isnt enough to make changes: He needs to heal and he needs help to do it. How can I get myself to a better place? I figured I had to be that girl so if it happened again at least I didnt give my all. The betrayal doesnt have to be as raw as cheating, although it can be that. I get that keeping this last guy from him has only hurt us more. He proposed to me this year, on our 7th anniversary, and i say yes. Id heard before I met him, how unserious he was (in relationships and life in general). who could see the greatness in me and learn to love me. Follow the steps above and little by little she may stop being numb. In my state of distrust for men I put up many walls, and my friend has broke them down one by one with his patience and willingness to just listen and not become defensive. Im going to take a wild guess (since I dont know you) that you dont really love this guy. we promised to be together forever, he is my best friend and soul mate, and i am utterly devastated by this. He has even threatened to call the police if I come by his house again, its like hes the devil now. Well time wanton and his ex became a thorn in my side along with his crazy mom. Im sorry this is so long and rambling, this is the first site Ive felt comfortable talking on, and the only friend I talked to about this is poly, so she just didnt understand why I was uncomfortable with him doing more if I left them together to do anything. Stephany I think that what you are saying is in some way like what Pauline was saying and my answer will be the same: For some reason, you feel insecure and feel the need to lie. Do you notice an interesting pattern? 1. I told him I needed time to heal and I knew I could get past this, but within a day or so he wanted to act like things were fine. I helped him concur some of his demons and even helped him break an alcohol addiction (Which I didnt pick up his addiction until later on in our relationship). I would hang out with him but I was never really there because I was dealing with what happened to me, and even when we would talk on the phone I would never really be listening. she said mayb I wasnt the right guy for her and she lost the sparkright now im so depressed I cant do anything right, I cant stop looking at her pictures I cant eat all I want is heram thinking of surprising her soon going to see her be im scared she might reject me, shes a beautiful, sensitive and stubborn woman its not easy to convince herplease doctor deb what can I do, am madly in love with this girl..i keep drawing pictures of her cos im an artist I also keep having dreams about her..i need help please. But you can hate a person you love even when your love is reciprocated, and even when you have an overall thriving relationship with them. I was once an avid reader & someone who found such peace in hand knitting or in the simple gift of watering our garden & knowing the relief it brought to our plants. April 28, 2022 . The truth is, it feels very good to be loved, but that is not enough for marriage. It doesnt mean you cant see your boyfriend, but you should put marriage on hold. I have no hopes or dreams for today .. let alone tomorrow. Just today, he decided to call a therapist. Now, the time has come for you to learn how to take away your loneliness. He is not a doer. I dont want to. I stopped living with her about a week and a half before she broke up with me because I wanted her to have some space because I thought she needed to mature, When she did break up with me she said she was happier without me and was a completely different person when I was gone. First of all, why dont you discuss this with your therapist? But Im trying and Im fighting for our relationship and it seems to me at this point, that hes not. When we first started dating there was an incident where the woman from the previous relationship he was in, was impregnated by him, and she coincidently found out in the beginning of our relationship. Ive been with my boyfriend for 1 year and 3 months. I thought you said the gut is just a dude that comes in the hood. It's ours now! I want to give get as much of the world as I can and give her a life worth living. And the same question can be asked of his up and down feelings. actually i tried talking to him but hes talking to me very and replying to me . Any advice would be appreciated. I was stubborn for not doing this a long time ago. I need to stop blaming him for everything and take responsibility for my failings. We click off very well and slowly feelings develop. It seems to me that your comfort zone (however uncomfortable that may be) is being abused some more. I need to keep him safe and I need to revamp my whole attitude around him. (When she was heavy I loved her just as much! Now, just suppose the two of you want to maintain the marriage. All rights reserved. He is waiting on an answer but it is killing him inside I know. Since then (start of october) we tried traveling together for 3 weeks to nepal, subletting anapartment together (we got out of ours in october) and i cant seem to make it work, im restless, im crying every day a few times. So what do I do if I have told my significant other of almost 7 years (2 children together 5 and 2) that I think Im not in love with him anymore but I still love him? Anyway, go easy on yourself. Too late.he hasnt left me.but . Please see an MFT (Marriage & Family Therapist) who does more than just talk. And i did this to him. Im not sure why it needs to I fell in love with him since 6 months ago was not straight away we have been having a physical relationship for nearly 2 years! wait ? Maybe youve been married a long time. he even has blocked all contacts with me. YOU need to get into counseling so you can learn how to tell who is good and who isnt good for you to lose your heart to. My boyfriend and I have been together 4yrs. i have no friends to speak of or family i can go to, and as i said i dont work either. She wants to go on date. From this, respect and trust begin to grow. Says I am not part of his future. One day , i ask him, are you wary of me? If my daughter wants to watch three movies, and I want to watch one, we might end up watching two. He loves me very much i know. Thank you. I know that we each individually have to work on ourselves and make progress but the way she is dealing with things right now I wonder if there is a future for us. 5 months later he texted me and I decided to talk to him again and slowly we began to rebuild what we had and finally are in a relationship now. I still cant believe how stupid I was to not recognise it. We are both very dependent on each other because we started dating when we were 16/17 years old. We have 4 children. Heres the thing: You actually dont know who your husband IS and neither does he. seriously. I was short on money last week and he had some from selling a TV he wasnt using. I have changed and I am working on myself to be a better man for her if she decides to give us a chance again. He admitted it after I asked if hes not in love with me any longer. People get into drugs because they cant tolerate the emotional pain inside. So I respected that cut my loses with deep pain like my world was coming to an end. It was very humiliating and to see the look if horror on my daughters face was hard. Until recently, I asked my guy friend to accompany me in choosing a computer since I dont know anything about technology. Am I being unreasonable to want the steps outlined in your article to be articulated by our therapist? Im still talking to him despite my Friends advice. Great, Jessica! It all started when she was barely letting me see my son then she would tell me I have to give her half my paychecks or will go to court. Good therapy does not have to last years and decades. Even more than when we firet met. As for your job, I agree, you cant quit til you have something else lined up. And a no-repeat is a given-repeated hurt is something that even the mot patient person would hate! If you ever feel you or your children are in danger, please contact local law enforcement or visit your nearest emergency room immediately. From my experience there is a lot more going on at home since my husband returned from Iraq. Then after a bad argument, I told him we were over and we didnt speak for a full week. Therefore, its impossible for them to validate you. And he was even complaining that I was putting on weight! Perhaps youd like to imagine the worst-case scenario and allow yourself (in your imagination) to handle it more maturely than you would have in the past. But I speak in my email using terms like my partner, I dont say her etc., I basically say that I want a partner that I could have told her what the issue was and we come to an agreement that works for both of us. When arguments start, keep calm. She calls right after that meeting and says she wants to take me to Napa to be us again. My question, after some texting back and forth the first few days and one conversation on the phone, Ive gone with here wishes to leave her alone right now. Help! The first part of our marriage was up and down as they usually go, but about 3 years ago we moved back to his country. An outside source, another person but she only got mad. I feel stupid for staying this long. She was happy to see me. You just graduated HS. Were on the same team!! They took him to the police station to sober up and calmed down. For more than a year now, he has been the perfect boyfriend who has treated me above and beyond, showered me with love and affection, who accepts and understands that I still cant trust him and that I still get mad at him for his previous actions every now and then. she said that I should make sure Im coming close for my daughter and not for her. Falling in love is heavenly, falling out is like being in hell. Of course he doesnt c it this way. Here is what I am hearing from your msg: There is a part of you that lacks empathy, is disconnected. I am on the opposite side of the fence from you. He keeps on saying I feel empty inside because you have hurt me before. It is not just one word that ruined things. eventually she got sick of me dissapearing when she needed me and leaving her alone wondering what im doing. She was upset really bad and I said I will not give her anything. He says he forgives me and has moved on. Weve had a wonderdul 7yr marriage, both our second time around. He was very light-hearted around her at each meeting & I could see his colour rise & the change in his voice & body language towards her whenever we visited. I had a sense of self-incompleteness so I decide to travel and volunteer in a different country for 3 weeks. He litterly does nothing. Absolutely! But I took the time to for once be honest with my fianc & myself about everything. So I think the counseling should be a good move provided the counselor doesnt just say mhm but actually has tools and opens you up to further thoughts. Im dwelling on it far longer than he has, but weve had issues in the past when we first dated. May I recommend a video on my own website called 3 keys to a spectacular marriage? She can look at my blog on my own website, 15 reasons not to divorce. I am so upset and I dont even know what can I do. I just dont get where hes coming from. He even went to florida for a few days with her because she didnt want to go by herself. Our family. Counselling and even medication might be excellent choices. And I cant understand whats on his mind. Im trying to get the feelings back? So you get the best solution: Fall in love with the guy you WANT HIM to be and then tell the real person to change into that guy. You need to find yourself academically, vocationally, spiritually, emotionally. And it was an outlet for peace and not dealing with our issues. Yet she does have all the stuff I gave her and a bunch of my clothes. Do not want to lost them, I love them very much just to let them go with out doing anything. But honestly knowing that hes not here and that hes probably most likely in jail Im not stressed. Now he wont forgive me. He has been doing it ever since. However, speaking of texts, he used to text me first thing in the morning. So, I think that all bad things that happen are really good because they are an opportunity to learn so we can be better the next time. She is devastated and doesnt want anything to do with me. I low key want to move on, away from him. Please go together to see a couples counselor. Now dont get me wrong. My ex got mixed up with prescription drugs. When the cheating happened, I did not go out looking to cheat or meet someone else. However, you shouldn't just call it quits without giving your husband a second chance. He says he just isnt in love with me anymore and that he wants to be alone. My suspicions were confirmed when one of her friends told me they had been sleeping together all along. Here is a list of crisis resources that may be helpful: I thought the lady next door was my friend they ended up screwing why I was at work in my garage on a weight bench. First of all, I respect you for recognizing that you mistreated your girlfriend. Dont let them get away with their hurtful behavior. The famed poet Henry Wadsworth Longfellow once penned the beautiful words, "Be still, sad heart! You can imagine that us being young and stupid have been through pretty much anything you can think of. Daniel, A stupid part of me still liked him, so I always left a window he could reach me through. We broke up. Youre message is inspiring although challenging to me. You can do it - you are already doing amazingly well. well, I did X, why didnt he do Y? One thing you do mention is that her bottling things up irritates you. We lived together for a moment but that environment became tense. Hi Brittany Its hard enough as it is. He still doesnt see him doing anything wrong by spending all his time with his female friend. I never stressed on sex with her at all. How do we both go about getting trust back? I am at a loss as to what to do reached that what is the point question. How in the world can you get back to opening yourself up to someone who has hurt you? Im lost, hurt, and I want him in my life because he is my person. I would ask him to come along to some of the events. PLEASE HELP!! Our marriage of 39 years has had good times, but I have constantly felt my husbands disconnection in both emotional & sexual intimacy. Its what we talked about a little bit yesterday. If I can brave the shame of having the scarlet letter stamped on my head for all to see now. Dearest Dr. Deb I stayed with her because I love her more than words can express and wanted to show her this was going to be different. This is exactly where I/we are at. Im so anxious and scared. Eye contact, a hug or my simply wanting to be near her seems to frustrate her. Now she has shut down and has said it can NEVER be the same. 3. She said not long ago I do love and I do miss you but its hard for me to be with you right now she said she wants to be friends and before I said I dont think I can and this was before I we had started our initial break. But it remains obvious how hurt he was and told me that its going to be hard rebuilding the relationship and the trust, especially that were continents apart. i am trying doc. My boyfriend of about a year and I both cheated on each other and lied I each other about it. This must be his decision. If you havent already, you can search the GoodTherapy.org for a therapist near you, here:https://www.goodtherapy.org/find-therapist.html. Do you think my husband is really in love with his co worker like he says meaning theres just no chance of our marriage ever getting better and us not getting divorced. A trial was never scheduled for that year so the kids were in limbo for over 2 years. But my parents did not let me leave with him. However I understood that she o ices with her man and his parent. I dont trust my own judgement anymore. Thats part two (how you feel about your partner). He has a very hard time apologizing and admitting he was wrong. Since you see her at work, she will see the changes in you for herself over time. I genuinely love this man. Any fool can fight back. Be sure to check the credentials of your therapist. It broke my heart and my trust and I still struggle to regain his trust. He ended up hooking up with another girl twice. She finished college and at 29 got pregnant with a guy she was dating for a couple months. Usually this will happen when the couple comes from homes of abuse, neglect, abandonment, or unpredictability. He started to believe his only chance was going to France. Isnt it funny that he showers you with gifts and suddenly wants to marry you AFTER you had sex? I loved him so much I forgave him the next day thinking great were talking again atleast. People often dont have pride or self-esteem or confidence because of the way they were treated in childhood and they carry that with them. It is pain that will not go away because a person loves you, unfortunately. However, our son who is biologically his only sees his birth dad on occasion when he comes over and visits my ex. He is not a bad person at all, and I believe that his mistakes are just a manifestation of his past. And due to that I was a bad father and boyfriend because I wasnt doing the camping and hiking and other fun things I loved to do and my family wanted to do. If your career really is more important, youll only hurt her again. Tells her about me. And she drove back home. Were only 20 years old so weve got so much growing up to do and I recognize that now. Research also shows that marriages that are strained by the behavior of vets (anger bursts, moodiness, etc) are greatly helped by the mindfulness meditation. Recently I told him that I wasnt emotionally or mentally ready to get married at this time-I know it broke his heart and it broke mine too. I decided to give him space , no talking or texting for a DAT , just to see if he would miss me. I apologize for the lengthy post. Hi Shena but instead of telling me about the incident, he lied to me , to my face. Then she filed divorce. You dont need that. It seems all the men in her life ran from her after they got to know her. Hi Mark As is for most infatuation stages, but we truly fell in love with each other, mainly because we are so different from each other, it was exciting. Not worth it. I also know that none of it justified my actions. I just find it so unusual, I dont have a limit on chances, tolerance, saturation or anything else where people I care about are concerned. As such, he will see the difference. That has been haunting you for a long time. But lying is a really, really bad one. My husband was working in his workshop on her step-fathers car which had been brought in for repairs at the time I made this discovery. He has said these things before but admitted he didnt mean them. Thank u so much. I have been taken advantage of by a girl I love and we dont even have kids together. Like get off social media. Two days after that, he started calling me. She has been like my teenage daughter who can do no right. The first time i got to see him for a week. he said that he cannot make me happy. I know he loves me and we fight a lot. One day during the 3 weeks that I was away, we got into a really heated argument over the fact that he didnt understand my mission of traveling alone. Parents dont do this because they are mean (although some may be mean) but because of their own poor upbringing. Thats it. What should I do? If thats the case then why does he bring up the old things that I have done to make our relationship bad. https://www.goodtherapy.org/learn-about-therapy/issues/domestic-violence. We keep hurting each other and it just goes back and forth to get back at one another. She said she needed to take two steps back, that she felt I needed time to figure out what I want, etc. Thank you! Cheating and lying could have gone together. I returned an hour later simply because it was 10PM on New Years Day and I couldnt find a place to go. Hi Wishes For Hope, we broke up like twice and now its been like I had a misunderstanding and people got in between us and I belived them on him and I broke up which made him lose feelings for me and he says that he loved me too much and got hurt too much so he cant get back to mecan anyone tell me or help me with what shall I do.. Your ex bf is angry with u, because now he has upset you and mom. My boyfriend and I were dating for going on 11 years. He says he has a sexual problem. I originally wrote to you last March 24. Please help me? But,they kissed. or what else we can do if we are not together living in separated stated . Hi Cristina Hello my name is Frankie, so Im having problems me and y wife are going through a divorce, i truly love my wife we have a 6 month year old son and I want to win her back, shes told me that she wants to be friends but she has no feelings for me, she says she feels numb. I had a girlfriend the first time I met her and the relationship with my then-girfriend wasnt going anywhere. I am 25 years old I was with my boyfriend for quite sometime we lived together. I met my wife while I was in recovery, I am an alcoholic. And we became friends again. What can i do to see him as my partner again? He is 29 and I am 22. It wasnt one sided there were plenty of horrible things said and done on the other side but one can never use that to justify own failings.

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